


Garreg Mock Group Chat

by definetlynotaturtle



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack, F/F, Multi, chat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25328125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/definetlynotaturtle/pseuds/definetlynotaturtle
Summary: Name says it all.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

NotFlameEmperor: bfisjvbis;vnos

Starfire: Lady Edelgard, are you in need of assistance. You seem to be having a difficulty with typing.

NotFlameEmperor: fuovnovjnoavnjisdbvinano

LesbianChristineDaae: Don’t worry about her Petra. Edie is fine. She simply saw our new professor and is currently processing.

Starfire: I see. I must admit, I had a similar reaction when I saw her. She is quite breathtaking.

LesbianChristineDaae: Petra! I had no idea you felt that way. I’m jealous. Though I too felt similar when I beheld her.

ForeignKing: Teach certainly is a looker isn’t she.

MisoginistRingo: She is a beautiful woman without question but there are many other factors to consider than just her looks.

ForeignKing: I did not expect to hear that from you of all people, Lorenz.

MisoginistRingo: Such as her ancestry, intelligence, decorum, habits, combat abilities, wealth, and whether or not she has a crest.

Naptime: That is much more in character.

Manspreader: I’m still surprised that that’s your name Lorenz. You said you were going to change it.

MisoginistRingo: I tried; however, I am unable to change it. It seems somebody removed my ability to do anything other than text. I can’t even leave this ridiculous chat.

Manspreader: You don’t have to talk though…

MisoginistRingo: If I must remain here I shall endeavor to ensure that it is used for productive means. That is my duty as a noble, after all.

[MisoginistRingo has been removed from chat]

ForeignKing: Who did that? I want to thank them in person.

TinynSwol: Same. Listening to him talk is even worse than Ferdinand.

IAmFerdinandVonAegir: Hey!

Sigh: sigh.

ShirtsNotAllowed: Its true. He is like the worst parts of Sylvain and Ferdinand in a single person. Only with terrible hair.

NotFlameEmperor: uoewfbosvojafinpw92rfi2nlndlsnfjo32h9r3

GerardWay: Lady Edelgard, please calm down. And please refrain from asking the professor to ‘punch you in the face’

TinynSwol: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LesbianChristineDaae: Oh Edie, that’s adorable. But I must agree with Hubie.

NotFlameEmperor: L

Sigh: sigh

TinyPainter: Is Hapi alright?

NightmareHair: I assure you all that Hapi is doing better than alright! After all, anyone would when dining with one such as I! She is simply releasing years of sighs she has pent up though a medium that allows her to do so safely.

MomFriend: I am pleased that Hapi has found a way to vent her frustrations safely. Is it helping her?

NightmareHair: Not at all!

MomFriend: Oh.

NightmareHair: Forgive me but Hapi requires my most immediate attention. Farewell.

MomFriend: That sounds possibly ominous. I hope they are okay.

NotMyRealName: They’re fine. Hapi just grew tired of the conversation. She whispered something in Constances ear and dragged her off.

SmolBaby: They gonna fuck

NotMyRealName: Either that or do something as absurd as it is adorable. Like sit on each other’s shoulders while picking apples or something.

ForeignKing: Either way they’ll be doing a lot of eating

SmolBaby: Eeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy

ForeignKing: Eeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy

SmolBaby: Eeeeyyyyyyyyyy

ForeignKing: eeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy

LeasbianChrisinteDaae: Anyway! Hubie, how is Edie doing.

NotFlameEmperor: fnosdfnvovnpevmopj52-9tjfm4pow32nfko43rnf3-2rmpd32f p;mksdvo-p4w3j-rof[meopqfmp2rwjm-32rm3-omlofrmpmgp49t0gjm4op3hgn3pwigmptgmo4-932jt9034wjepofmpiew

GerardWay: She seems to be having a stroke.

LesbianChristineDaae: I’m on my way. Petra. Please come help me.

Starfire: Of course.

LesbianChristineDaae: Mercie your help would be appreciated as well. And Hubie, you’re not invited.

GerardWay: Invited to what?

LeasbianChrisitineDaae: Girls night. So disappear. Go make out with Ferdie or something.

GerardWay: Ferdinand and I are not together.

LesbianChristineDaae: Suuuuurrreeee.

LesbianChristineDaae: Any other girls are welcome to stop by as well of course. @DortheasWife

DorotheasWife: STOP CALLING ME THAT!

DorotheasWife: I did not propose! We are not married!

ForeignKing: The lady doth protest too much, methinks

DorotheasWife: Fuck you Claude.

NotFlameEmporer: fnowefnvorwvnofavpwrp4j9-2jrobnjoen0i5hyg8954hmo54gmmpmeprt4-

LesbianChristineDaae: Edie, NO!

ForeignKing: What the Hell?!

ForeignKing: Where did that come from?!

ForeignKing: Where even are you?!

ForeignKing: How??!??!!!?!?!?!?

ShirtsNotAllowed: Wait what happened?

AlmostFeral: An axe just buried itself in the wood less than an inch from Claude’s head.

MomFriend: Oh my.

ReverseCougar: You left out the wolf whistle Claude let out when the professor walked by

NotMyRealName: It seems that Edelgard is territorial.

ActualBaby: So it would seem.

Bernie: ʕ •ₒ• ʔ

Professor: What is this?


	2. I still don't know what i am doing

Professor: So you all just talk through here?

ForeignKing: Pretty much teach.

Professor: Don’t you all do that all day anyway?

ForeignKing: Yup

Professor: I see.

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: So teach, you me could be great together. What do ya say?

SmolBaby: Claude.

SmolBaby: Run.

SmolBaby: Edelgards heading for you.

SmolBaby: She has an axe.

SmolBaby: This is not a drill.

SmolBaby: RUN

ForeignKing: We’ll continue this later.

ForeignKing: Shit! Where did that come from?!

ForeignKing: Later teach

Professor: I’m not sure what just happened.

Professor: But excellent throw Edelgard.

NotFlameEmperor: vnjwoafbrveiuapgbaisvbawiVbirjvn ro3tr084ntgoerngu349tgn0po43nt4u92[hto’wngnrwgor3tih80w3tngrsonwgtu043’[t43ni0thn34iwtonw43oug5u93[tonigu4onervjg905[qnyikto43noj5tl2o34jn0if34onotjgmlergni54h3no4tngu9o4jm3ip4tfngr9suow

TinynSwol: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

MomFriend: Are they alright?

DorotheasWife: They’re fine. Lady Edelgard simply saw the compliment the professor gave her and ran into a pillar.

PureBoi: And now Caspar is rolling on the floor laughing. He is clutching his stomach.

PureBoi: It looks painful.

NapTime: I will not be helping him if her hurts himself.

TinynSwol: Totally worth it

IamFerdinandvonAiger: Professor, I apologize for this shameful display by my compatriots. I promise I will not rest until I have righted this matter and shown them all how to conduct themselves in a manner more befitting their station.

Professor: That is unnecessary, Ferdinand.

IamFerdinandvonAiger: It is entirely necessary!

IamFerdinandvonAiger: Professor, please allow me to explain.

[IamFerdinandvonAiger has been removed from group]

NotMyRealName: They strike again.

NotMyRealName: I am quite curious as to how they do it. Whoever they are.

ForeignKing: Same.

Himbo: Shouldn’t you be running?

ForeignKing: Edelgard hasn’t moved.

ForeignKing: she’s lying on the floor clutching the phone to her chest.

ForeignKing: I’m not sure if its cute or creepy

LesbianChristineDaae: Shut up Claude. It’s adorable. And if you keep making fun of her I will be forced to do something unpleasant.

DILF: That is enough Dorothea. You too Claude.

TinynSwol: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SmolBaby: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ForeignKing: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH

ShirtsNotAllowed: HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

Professor: Is there a joke I am missing?

DILF: I am unsure. However, that seems to be the reaction whenever I message here. But I have failed to understand anything humorous about the things I say.

NotMyRealName: Nobody explain it to them.

Professor: Explain what?

Starfire: I too would like to be knowing.

SmolBaby: …

ForeignKing: …

ShritsNotAllowed: …

TinynSwol: …

TinynSwol: Professor, Dorothea is hosting a girls’ night. You should go.

NotFlameEmperor: NO!

SmolBaby: YES!

Professor: I’m afraid I must decline. As pleasant as that sounds I feel that that would be inappropriate. You ladies have fun however. And Edelgard, if you require medical assistance due not hesitate to ask.

NotFlameEmperor: Of course, professor.

NotFlameEmperor: Caspar, start running.

TinynSwol: Got to go

NapTime: Please do not harm him excessively. I do not wish to spend all night treating his wounds.

Himbo: Why would you heal him?

Pureboi: Yeah, isn’t that Professor Manuela’s job?

NapTime: Manuela scares him.

NapTime: He says she is an anime Ms. Krabapple.

NapTime: I have no idea what it means but don’t have the energy to try and figure it out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I see a tree that would be perfect for napping under.

Dilf: Anyway, Professor Byleth, Lady Rhea wished to speak to you in her chambers.

Professor: Very well Seteth. I will see her at once.

ThunderStruck: Lucky bitch.

Shamir: Catherine. Stop thirsting after your boss.

ThunderStruck: No.

ThunderStruck: And how come you don’t get a nickname?

Shamir: Whoever made them clearly knows better.

Himbo: Wait are all the staff here?

TokenOldGuy: Yes.

Leonies’Daddy’: Unfortunately

NotFlameEmperor: So you all saw…

Leonies’Daddy’: You being the biggest disaster lesbian for my daughter? Yes.

NotFlameEmperor: Please. Kill me.

AlmostFeral: If you insist.

ClownBoi: That’s enough boar.

Leonies’Daddy’: Don’t worry kid, she won’t see this.

GerardWay: Lady Edelgard, please stop head-butting the desk.

NotFlameEmperor: Not until the abyss swallows me whole

LesbianChristineDaae: Time for Girls Night!

LesbianChristineDaae: Everyone to Edies room.

LesbianChristineDaae: Quick, before she gives herself a concussion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give me ideas for this. I want to write more but have almost no ideas for this.


	3. This be a thing

Bernie: Um… Lady Edelgard?

NotFlameEmporer: Yes, is there something you need Bernedetta?

Bernie: Um… Um… um… I…

GerardWay: Out with it Bernedetta.

Bernie: Eeep.

Bernie: I have the story you asked for Lady Edelgard!

Bernie: I’m sorry!

Bernie: Please don’t be mad at me!

Bernie: Useless Bernie!

Bernie: Worthless! Unmarriagable!

NotFlameEmporer: Calm down Bernedetta. I’m not mad. And what story?

ForeignKing: This is going to be good.

Bernie: The story about your painting?

Bernie: you slid it under my door with a letter. Asking me to write a story about it.

NotMyRealName: 100 gold says it wasn’t her.

ShirtsNotAllowed: I’ll take that bet

NotFlameEmporer: I did no such thing Bernedetta.

NotMyRealName: you owe me a hundred gold

ShirtsNotAllowed: Shit

NotFlameEmporer: What did the painting look like?!

NotFlameEmporer: Bernedetta! Answer me!

NotFlameEmporer: Bernedetta!

NotFlameEmporer: I will kick down your door!

LesbianChristineDaae: Edie, calm yourself. You are scaring Bernie.

Starfire: Yes, you must not startle the prey like that

TinynSwol: Not helping petra…

LesbianChristineDaae: Now, Bernie what was this picture.

Bernie: Um…

Bernie: It was of Professor Byleth picking up Edelgard who was lifting up a horse with Lindhart asleep on it.

ShirtsNotAllowed: Holy Shit!

DorotheasWife: what happened?

AlmostFeral: Edelgard just tore through the dining area.

Manspeader: He means that literally.

Sigh: She broke half a dozen tables by running through them

foreignKing: Lorenz didn’t get out of the way.

ForeignKing: She bulldozed through him

ForeignKing: He was thrown through a wall

ForeignKing: It was glorious

ClownBoi: such strength is impressive

ClownBoi: I wonder if she uses it better in a fight than the boar

TimeToDeDuel: I suggest you refrain from antagonizing his majesty

ClownBoi: Or what?

TimeToDeDuel: I shall pummel you into dust. Like last time.

ForeignKing: None of this is important

SmolBaby: Yeah! Measure your dicks later.

SmolBaby: We have more important matters

SmolBaby: Like who had Bernedetta write that story

NotFlameEmporer: It’s hEre!

NotFlameEmporer: It’s not stolen!

TinynSwol: What isn’t stolen?

NotFlameEmporer: um….

NotFlameEmporer: Nothing

Sigh: I think Her majesteirielness was worried her own painting had been stolen

NotMyRealName: I believe Hapi is right

NightmareHair: Of course she is. Hapi is one of the most intelligent people at this academy. The implication that she might be wrong about such an important matter as a potential theft of the future emperors belongings is madness of the highest order. So say I! Constance Von Nuvelle! Oh hahahaha!

Sigh: Constance

Sigh: put the phone down

NotMyRealName: and get some sun while youre at it

Sigh: Yuri, watch it

ShirtsNotAllowed: Enough!

ShirtsNotAllowed: Now your ladiness of empire. Why are you painting pictures of the professor?

NotFlameEmporer: I have no idea what you are talking about

ShirtsNotAllowed: Sure you don’t

ShirtsNotAllowed: and im king of Almyrra

NotFlameEmporer: Balthus.

NotFlameEmperor: I’m warning you.

ShirtsNotAllowed: ooohh. I’m so scared. Her majesty wishes to fight with the undefeated king of grappling!

ShirtsNotAllowed: Come on. Bring all four feet of ya

LesbianChristineDaae: Edie! No!

ForeignKing: Don’t do it Balthus

ForeignKing: that’s a fight you won’t win

ForeignKing: the royals are not people you can just beat

ForeignKing: I once saw Dimitri run around a castle with several dozens boulders tied to him

ForeignKing: Not tiny boulder

ForeignKing: Big ones

ForeignKing: Like you size rocks

ForeignKing: dozens of them

ForeignKing: And edelgard once kicked a wyvern

ForeignKing: it fell through the roof of the chapel

ForeignKing: she was at the bottom of the mountain

ShirtsNotAllowed: Damn

ClownBoi: damn

SmolBaby: Damn

Sigh: Damn

NotMyRealName: Damn

Manspreader: Damn

Bernie: Damn

MomFriend: Damn

PureBoi: Damn

LesbianChristineDaae: Damn

Professor: Damn

Professor: So Edelgard…

LesbianChrisitneDaae: so edie…

MomFriend: so edelgard…

DorotheasWife: So Lady Edelgard…

SmolBaby: So edelgard….

ManSpreader: damn. They find out Edelgard is strong and now all the ladies are after her

ManSpreader: I’m strong too ladies ;)

Sigh: I have more abs than you whore, so keep it in your pants

ManSpreader: L

ManSpreader: and you do not

NightmareHair: she does

ShirtsNotAllowed: she does

ShirtsNotAllowed: she has better abs than ME

ShirtsNotAllowed: I have no idea how

ShirtsNotAllowed: she never works out and her diet is 50% onion rings and hot Cheetos

Sigh: yeah, im buff. What about it?

ForeignKing: Stop getting off topic!

ForeignKing: Edelgard, why are you painting the professor?

NotFlameEmperor: I have no idea what you are talking about Claude.

NotFlameEmporer: Bernedetta, I would like to see this story so that I might try to figure out who put you to it

SmolBaby: yeah… that’s why… sure ;)

AlmostFeral: But who painted the picture to begin with. Most peculiar

TimeToDeDuel: If his majesty wishes I shall not rest until I have found the painter of the picture.

ClownBoi: and the dog jumps at the chance to bow and scrape for the boar. What a surprise

TinyPainter: I did.

NotFlameEmperor: What?

TinyPainter: I painted it.

NotMyRealName: What a shocking twist

NotFlameEmperor: You?!

NotFlameEmperor: Why?! How?!

tinyPainter: Ferdinand paid me to.

NotFlameEmperor: That son of a bitch

NotFlameEmperor: HE IS DEAD!!

[ IAmFerdinandVonAieger has joined the chat ]

ForeignKing: That’s convenient

IAmFerdinandVonAiger: Lady Edelgard, please allow me to explain.

IAmFerdinandVonAiger: I came across your painting and desired to be of service. I had Ignantz paint a replica picture and had Bernedetta write a story about said photo. The story however was supposed to go to professor Byleth however, not yourself Lady Edelgard.

SmolBaby: Why…?

IAmFerdinandVonAiger: Why to prove that I am superior to Lady Edelgard of course! By gifting her her heart’s desire where she could not. She would have no choice but to admit my superiority then.

ForeignKing: I am facepalming so hard right now…

Shamir: You and everyone else kid

Professor: Ferdinand, you and Edelgard are sparring first thing in the morning. Good Luck.

NotFlameEmperor. Thank you Professor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what I am doing.


	4. Chapter 4

GerardWay: I would like to thank you for not killing Ferdinand, Your Majesty

LesbianChristineDaae: Agreed. As much as I detest the boy sometimes I fear his death would have created more issues than it solved.

LesbianChristineDaae: Also it is too fun to mess with him. And unlike Lorenz he actually has the brain cells to eventually understand he is being mocked.

NotFlameEmperor: He should consider himself lucky. If professor Eisner hadn’t stopped me not even the combined prowess of Lindhardt, Mercedes, and Professor Manuela could have saved him from me.

NotFlameEmperor: If he does something like that again though…

NotFlameEmperor: I will obliterate that twink.

NotFlameEmperor: Sorry Hubert.

GerardWay: Once again, we are not dating.

NotFlameEmperor: right…

LesbianChristineDaae: right…

Clownboi: right…

ForeignKing: right…

TinynSwol: right…

Smolbaby: right…

NotMyRealName: right…

ShirtsNotAllowed: right…

Sigh: right…

AlmostFeral: right…

TimetoDeDuel: I don’t believe you.

GerardWay: Sigh.

GerardWay: How was your slumber party, Lady Edelgard?

NotFlameEmperor: THAT IS PRIVATE!

SmolBaby: Ooohhh

SmolBaby: I smell tea

NapTime: That is likely our resident proud nobles.

NapTime: they never seem to stop making it

TinynSwol: Seriously

TinynSwol: I once saw Ferdinand mounting his warhorse in full plate armor while carrying a teapot and several cups, saucers, spoons, and i think a pot of milk

SmolBaby: That’s nothing

SmolBaby: Lorenz tried to duel Dimitri while brewing a pot of tea

NotMyRealName: How did that go?

ForeignKing: Dimitri punted him to the chapel

ForeignKing: He ran back while screaming of ruining the tea

LesbianChristineDaae: Nobles, I swear

TinynSwol: Uh… that’s pretty much everyone except you

LesbianChristineDaae: And?

TinynSwol: nothing I guess

LesbianChristineDaae: Good.

ForeignKing: So what happened at last night?

NotFlameEmperor: Tell him NOTHING!!!

LesbianChristineDaae: There isn’t much to tell.

LesbianChristineDaae: We gossiped, did each other’s hair and make-up, mocked all of you behind your backs, and made plans before going to sleep

LesbianChristineDaae: I’m sorry to disappoint you all but nothing of note or interest to you happened

Starfire: I am not understanding.

Starfire: Why is everybody asking about the events of last night so much

Starfire: Is what we did so uncommon

Manspreader: Did you sleep together?

[Manspreader has been removed from Chat]

LesbianChristineDaae: They’re just looking for gossip Petra.

LesbianChristineDaae: And Sylvain is just being a creep

ShirtsNotAllowed: But why did her majesty get so defensive

NotMyRealName: I am also curious

ForeignKing: As am I

ForeignKing: Hilda

ForeignKing: Why didn’t you join them

SmolBaby: Because going to a girls night in with my ex was not something I had any desire to do’

ShirtsNotAllowed: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

ShirtsNotAllowed: You dated one of them?!

ShirtsNotAllowed: I thought I made it clear that nobody was fit to be with you if they didn’t beat the Universal King of Grappling!

ShirtsNotAllowed: So who was there? Which one of you was it?

ShirtsNotAllowed: Does Holst know?

SmolBaby: Calm down Baltie. This was before we even reconnected.

SmolBaby: You know, in those years where you disappeared with no explanation.

SmolBaby; For what… a decade?

ShirtsNotAllowed: …

ShirtsNotAllowed: This isn’t about me

ForeignKing: I am living for this

SmolBaby: Stuff it Claude

ShirtsNotAllowed: In my defense you were very tiny and I had A LOT of people after me

ShirtsNotAllowed: And Holst is one of like three people who genuinely scare me

ShirtsNotAllowed: So sticking around wasn’t really an option. Since, you know, Holst would have killed me if something happened to you due to being around me

ShirtsNotAllowed: But NONE OF THAT MATTERS!

ShirtsNotAllowed: Dororthea! Which one of you dated Hilda!

ShirtsNotAllowed: You need to fight me!

SmolBaby: We haven’t been together for years…

ShirtsNotAllowed: Irrelevant!

ShirtsNotAllowed: Who was it?!

ShirtsNotAllowed: fight ME!

NotFlameEmperor: It was me.

NotFlameEmperor: Still want to fight, Balthus?

ShirtsNotAllowed: Uh…

ForeignKing: Yeah, Balthus

ForeignKing: Still want to fight her?

ShirtsNotAllowed: Hilda is a gro-…mostly grown woman who can handle her own affairs.

ShirtsNotAllowed: there’s no need for me to interject myself in her personal life like that

NotFlameEmperor: I thought as much.

Starfire: @DorotheaArnault So are we not to discuss the Black Eagle Dyke Force?

NotFlameEmperor: PETRA!!!!

ForeignKing: What?!

SmolBaby: Oh god

Sigh: Please tell me that is a joke

TinynSwol: This can’t be real

BernieBear: wwwhhhyyyyyy?

LesbianChristineDaae: Oh dear.

GerardWay: Lady Edelgard…

NotMyRealNAme: Just when I thought the show couldn’t get better

Pureboi: I am unsure what is going on but Ingrid has been staring at her soup not blinking for the past ten minutes

PureBoi: What did you guys do?

AlmostFeral: Read up

Pureboi: I would but my phone is a piece of junk and I can’t swipe or scroll

TimeToDeDuel: There is nothing of interest. Finish your meal, Ashe. We still have Desert to prepare.

PureBoi: Right, sorry. Later everyone.

TimeToDeduel: Do not corrupt him.

[PureBoi and TimeToDeDuel have elft the chat]

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: So you guys created a lesbian group and you didn’t invite Ingrid?

ForeignKing: @DorotheasWife

DorotheasWife: For Fucks sake

DorotheasWife: You had better hope I never find you Claude

NotMyRealName: Can we get back to talking about how apparently Hilda and Edlegard used to date?

SmolBaby: No

NotFlameEmperor: No

NotMyRealName: Well, alright then

TinynSwol: So Petra. What were you talking about?

LesbianChristineDaae: It doesn’t concern you.

TinynSwol: Come On!!!!!

TinynSwol: Youre no fun

LesbianChristineDaae: Lindhart. Contain your pet.

TinynSwol: Uh oh.

NapTime: Raphael, I’ll give you my half of my meals from the kitchens for the next week if you go spar with Caspar

Himbo: DEAL!!!

Naptime: No serious injuries please.

Himbo: Consider it done!

Himbo: Caspar! Meet me at the training grounds!

TinynSwol: Can I not?

Professor: No.

tinynSwol: L

NotFlameEmperor: Professor Eisner! When did you join us?

Professor: When it was announced that you used to date Hilda.

NotFlameEmperor: Oh…

NotFlameEmperor: You saw that…

NotFlameEmperor: Dimitri, I require your services.

NotFlameEmperor: And bring your lance.

LEsbianChristineDaae: Do not.

Professor: No sparring while Caspar is fighting for his life. If you want to spar you can wait until they are done.

Shamir: Not what she meant Eisner.

ForeignKing: A profeesor and a knight?

ForeignKing: Does nobody actually work here?

Shamir: That depends.

Shamir: You want someone assassinated?

ForeignKing: …

ShirtsNotAllowed: …

ShirtsNotAllowed: Make that four people I am scared of

Professor: Why are you scared of Shamir?

Professor: Is it because she kills people for money?

Professor: Because I did that for most of my life. I am a mercenary after all.

ShirtsNotAllowed: And I am absolutely terrified of you as well

Professor: You and many others.

ForeignKing: …

NotMYRealName: …

GerardWay: …

SmolBaby: …

Sigh: …

NightmareHair: …

NotFlameEmperor: …

NotFlameEmperor: I am so fucking wet right now.

LesbianChristineDaae: Me too

Shamir: Me three

MomFriend: Me four

DorotheasWife: Me five

Shamir: @CatherineCharon

Shamir: My room

Shamir: Now!

ThunderStruck: Yes ma’am

LesbianChristineDaae: @PetraMacNeary

LEebianChristineDaae: I believe there is something in my quarters that requires your attention

Starfire: I shall be there yesterday

ForeignKing: I don’t think the saying works like that

LesbianChristineDaae: The grammar lesson can wait.

LesbianChristineDaae: I cannot

NotMyRealName: Hey, Edelgard.

NotMyRealNAme: why don’t you ask the proff to help you out in your quarters?

NotFlameEmperor: I will kill you

Professor: …

Professor: Why is everyone wet?

Professor: Did you fall into the lake?

NotFlameEmperor: i…

Dilf: I am also curious. Has it started raining?

ForeignKing: I… i… i…

ForeignKing: I have no idea how to respond to this.

ThirstyLush: Professor…

thirstyLush… I think I spilled some wine on my lap in my quarters…

ThirtstyLush: Want to help…Clean me up ;)

NotFlameEmperor: Hubert

GerardWay: At once your majesty

Professor: So did anyone fall into the lake?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I funny yet?


	5. I continue to do things

IamFerdinandVonAiger: Tea

GerardWay: Coffee

IamFerdinandVonAiger: Tea

GerardWay: Coffee

IamFerdinandVonAiger: Tea

GerardWay: Coffee

IamFerdinandVonAiger: TEA!!!!!

GerardWay: COFFEE!!!

AreYouOkayAnnie: Chocolate milk.

LesbianChristineDaae: Girls. Girls. You’re both pretty. Can I go home now?

ForeignKing: IS this a divorce happening before our very eyes?

GerardWay: Quiet, Kalid.

NotMyRealName: Who?

LesbianChristineDaae: I think he was a DJ or something

Starfire: What is a DJ?

TinynSwol: A person who makes music with weird circular disks and rocks that have been flattened and electrocuted

NapTime: I am surprised you knew that much.

TinynSwol: I am full of surprises

ProfessorEisner: Not as much as I am.

ForeignKing: …

NotMyRealName: …

TinynSwol: …

IamFerdinandVonAiger: …

ClownBoi: I declare chocolate milk the best drink in existence.

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: …

IamFerdinandVonAiger: Incorrect!

IamFerdinandVonAiger: It is tea!

IamFerdinandVonAiger: Allow me to explain it to you.

ClownBoi: Try, and I will stab you.

LesbianChristineDaae: that’s hot

ForeignKing: that’s hot

TinynSwol: O my god…

Naptime: huh

ProfessorEisner: Dorothea, I am surprised. I was unaware you were interested in such things.

LesbianChristineDaae: Oh, Professor. I’m not. I simply said it because it would infuriate them both.

ProfessorEisner: I see. Job well done then I suppose.

ForeignKing: Wait, didn’t you question me professor?

ProfessorEisner: …

ProfessorEisner: Is that a trick question?

SmolBaby: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

TinynSwol: HAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Himbo: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

ForeignKing: … L

ShirtsNotAllowed: Where’s Edelgard? Shouldn’t she be drooling over the prof?

ProfessorEisner: Why would she be drooling? Let alone over me?

Starfire: I am also having confusion.

GerardWay: Lady Edelgard is currently… indisposed.

ForeignKing: Literally anyone else could have said that and not made it seem like you killed her.

NotMyRealName: Honestly. One of these days we are going to hit you in the head to see if we can knock the hot topic out of you

Sigh: What’s a hot topic?

ForeignKing: where her majesterialness is for starters. And why she isn’t currently fawning over teach.

ForeignKing: Speaking of…

ForeignKing: give my request any thought teach? Want to switch over to being head of the golden deer?

NotFlameEmporer: YOU BETTER FUCKING NOT!!!

NotMyRealName: found her.

TinynSwol: Where was she?

Sigh: I have no idea. But she ran through the side of the sauna.

Sigh: Or sides.

Sigh: I have no idea why.

Sigh: But may I please have my girlfriend back. We were in the middle of something.

NotMyRealName: in the public sauna? Really?

Sigh: We reserved a room and we always clean up.

NotMyRealName: Not the point…

Sigh: *shrugs*

NotFlameEmperor: Claude!!

NotFlameEmperor: Face ME!!

NotFlameEmperor: Fight Me!!!!!

ProfessorEisner: Edelgard, while I admire your passion I ask that you refrain from running around the Church grounds swinging an axe around while screaming for Claude. Especially while Constance is half naked and looking terrified as she hugs your shoulders for life.

NotFlameEmperor: Of course Professor. I apologize.

NotMyRealName: I just got whiplash

SmolBaby: Useless lesbians be like that

ProfessorEisner: Please return Constance to Hapi at once. She looks terrified and in need of some… assistance I believe Hapi is prepared to deliver

Sigh: I knew there was a reason I liked you chuckles.

ForeignKing: did..

ForeignKing: did teach just wingwoman Hapi?

ForeignKing: And endorse having sex in public places on church ground?

ProfessorEisner: I assure you I have no idea what you are talking about Claude. I simply think as the closest person to Constance emotionally that Hapi would be the best person to help her recover from the recent trauma.

ProfessorEisner: Right, Hapi? ;)

NotMyRealName: did…

NotMyRealName: did the prof just wink at Hapi?

Sigh: I owe you one chuckles

ForeignKing: What is going on?

NotFlameEmperor: And why do I feel murderous rage?

ShirtsNotAllowed: I believe that is fairly self-evident

ProfessorEisner: Edelgard.

NotFlameEmperor: Yes, professor?

ProfessorEisner: I was told that you wished to do some additional field exercises. I am available to supervise right now if you wish to go.

NotFlameEmperor: YES!!!!!

NotFlameEmperor: I mean, of course professor. That would be acceptable.

GerardWay: Lady Edelgard, we have a meeting with your uncle in less than 10 minutes

NotFlameEmperor: HE CAN WAIT!

NotFlameEmperor: I will meet you at the stables if that is acceptable to you professor.

ProfessorEisner: It is. And Claude?

ForeignKing: Yeah, teach?

ProfessorEisner: I appreciate the offer but must once again decline. I will remain the head of The Black Eagle House.

NotFlameEmperor: YES!!!

NotFlameEmperor: IN YOUR FACE CLAUDE!!!!

NotFlameEmperor: I WIN!!!!

NotFlameEmperor: HA!

NotFlameEmperor: Also who told you about the additional field exercises that I definitely requested to be able to do?

ProfessorEisner: Shamir. She was very insistent that I be the one to monitor your progress through the exercises. Her eyes kept wandering however. Not sure why.

NotFlameEmperor: Her eyes were wandering?

ProfessorEisner: Yes. It was odd. She’s usually so good at keeping eye contact but this time she kept looking at my chest. Also her face was very red and flushed, and I believe I saw some blood coming from her nose, although that was probably the heat.

NotFlameEmperor: The heat?

ProfessorEisner: Yes. I had just finished bathing.

NotFlameEmperor: BATHING!?

ProfessorEisner: Yes? Why? Do you think that had something to do with it?

ForeignKing: Maybe. How long was it after you finished your bath that you spoke to Shamir?

ProfessorEisner: Immediately.

NotFlameEmperor: IMMEDIATELY?!

ProfessorEisner: Yes…? Are you alright Edelgard?

NotFlameEmperor: FINE! JUST FINE!

ProfessorEisner: If you say so.

SmolBaby: What do you mean by immediately, professor?

ProfessorEisner: I didn’t even dry off.

NotFlameEmperor: didn’t...

NotFlameEmperor: didn’t...

NotFlameEmperor: didn’t even...

NotFlameEmperor: didn’t...

LesbianChristineDaae: Oh dear. So does that mean you weren’t…

ProfessorEisner: Weren’t what?

LesbianChristineDaae: You weren’t… dressed?

ProfessorEisner: No… why would I be? I was still wet. Why? Do you think that had something to do with it?

ForeignKing: Oh, teach

ShirtsNotAllowed: where is the scary sniper lady? I haven’t seen her all day.

TinynSwol: neither have I for that matter.

GerardWay: Even I am unaware of her current whereabouts

ClownBoi: She isn’t at the training grounds.

NotMyRealName; so if she isn’t there that leaves...

NotMyRealName: either training Leonie, fucking like rabbits with Catherine, or on assignment

GerardWay: She is not on assignment

ForeignKing: How would you know that?

GerardWay: Mind your own business Kalid.

Starfire: I am still wishing to be knowing who that is

ReverseCouger: I saw her this morning. Catherine was training me to brawl when Shamir showed up cradling her nose before dragging her off.

ReverseCouger: she said something about going to see ‘that fat assed woman you are obsessed with’

ForeignKing: Wow.

ForeignKing: Rhea too, huh.

ForeignKing: didn’t see that one coming.

ProfessorEisner: Also, Edelgard, I seem to have misplaced my armor so I will be going without it for your training exercise but I assure you that I am more than capable of keeping both you and myself safe without it.

NotFlameEmperor: no… armor… bathing… shamir… rhea… training… boobs… Catherine… fucking… hips… muscles… boobs… professor… nose… running… bleeding… threesome… professor… boobs…

ProfessorEisner: Are you sure you are alright Edelgard?

LesbianChristineDaae: SHE’S FINE!

LesbianChristineDaae: but just to make sure how about Petra and I join you two?

ProfessorEisner: That is fine. But something still seems off about Edelgard.

NotFlameEmperor: boobs…

LesbianChristine: She’ll be fine. Let’s be off!

ReverseCouger: why didnt shamir take me with her…

ReverseCouger: i want to be part of that orgy…

NotFlameEmperor: boobs..

Starfire: but who is this kalid?

AreYouOkayAnnie: chocolate milk.

BernieBear: ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But I don't know why. 
> 
> Please comment. It's the only thing that brings me joy at the moment.


	6. Byleth speaks. A lot.

ManSpreader: Professor Eisner, I require your advice.

ProfessorEisner: Are you going to threaten to kill me again?

ProfessorEisner: Cause I am getting really tired of my students doing that.

NotFlameEmporer: Who threatened you?!

NotFlameEmperor: I WILL END THEM!

NotFlameEmperor: NOBODY LAYS A FINGER ON THOSE ARMS!

NotFlameEmperor: OR ABS!

NotFlameEmperor: OR FACE!

NotFlameEmperor: OR HIPS! OR BOOBS!

NotFlameEmperor: OR THIGHS! OR ASS! OR SHOULDERS! OR BACK! OR NECK!

NotFlameEmperor: Or… you know… just you… in general…

NotFlameEmperor: …

ProfessorEisner: Are you done, Edelgard?

NotFlameEmperor: …

NotFlameEmperor: Yes, Professor.

ProfessorEisner: Very well. And to answer your question; Sylvain, Yuri, and Hubert all threatened to kill me.

ProfessorEisner: Well, Hubert said he would ‘dispose of me’, Yuri said he would ‘Slit my throat’, and Sylvain said something about ‘punishing me’ for existing or something like that.

ProfessorEisner: I had to explain to him that I prefer to be the one doing the ‘punishing’

ProfessorEisner: And that even when I am not he isn’t my type.

ProfessorEisner: Not enough boob

ProfessorEisner: Although I suppose by that metric both Raphael and Balthus would be my type since they both have more boob than me…

Himbo: Huh… really?

ShirtsNotAllowed: YEAH!!

ProfessorEisner: Sorry, but you’re also not my type Balthus. You too Rapheal.

Himbo: Sure thing teach.

ShirtsNotAllowed: Ah…

ForeignKing: I am just imagining Edelgard reading this.

SmolBaby: Same.

LesbianChristineDaae: So what is your type, professor?

ProfessorEisner: Women.

NotFlameEmperor: YES!!!!!

NotFlameEmeror: FUCK YEAH!!!!

NotFlameEmperor: SUCK IT CLAUDE!

NotFlameEmperor: YOU TOO EVERYONE ELSE!

NotFlameEmperor: SUCK

NotFlameEmperor: MY

NotFlameEmperor: DICK!

ProfessorEisner: …

ProfessorEisner: …

ProfessorEisner: I was unaware you had one of those Edelgard.

Starfire: As was I.

SmolBaby: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ForiegnKing: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TinynSwol: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NotFlameEmperor: I DON’T!

LesbianChristineDaae: Yes, she does…

LesbianChristineDaae: I got it for her.

LesbianChristineDaae: It’s the same one I use

LesbianChristineDaae: And I’ve had no complaints

Starfire: I am confirming

ProfessorEisner: …

ProfessorEisner: Good for you. All of you.

ManSpreader: As much as I love the tea you are all spilling

ManSpreader: I NEED HELP

IamFerdinandVonAiger: Tea?

MisoginistRingo: Tea?

Manspreader: NOT THAT KIND OF TEA!

ForeignKing: where is edelgard?

TinynSwol: Trying to melt into the ground as she questions her life choices

NotMyRealName: Yeah… not exactly things she wants her crush to know

NotMyRealName: Not yet at least

ProfessorEisner: Edelgard has a crush on someone? Who?

NotMyRealName: …

ShirtsNotAllowed: …

ManSpreader: …

TinynSwol: …

NapTime: …

IamFerdinandVonAiger: …

SmolBaby: …

ForeignKing: …

LesbianChristineDaae: …

Starfire: …

GerardWay: …

LesbianChristineDaae: Professor!

LesbianChristineDaae: You wouldn’t be trying to gossip about one of your students, would you?

ForeignKing: nice save

TinynSwol: you are edelgards best friend

NotMyRealName: she must owe you her entire empire by now

ShirtsNotAllowed: honestly

ManSpreader: STOP IGNORING ME!

ManSpreader: PROFESSOR!

ManSpreader: I NEED YOUR HELP!

ProfessorEisner: What can I assist you with, Sylvain?

ForeignKing: ten gold says it about felix

ShirtsNotAllowed: done. Ten says its about Ingrid

ManSpreader: It’s about Felix…

ForeignKing: Called it

ShirtsNotAllowed: Damnit

Sigh: You never learn do you, Balthus?

ShirtsNotAllowed: nope

ManSpreader: Shut up!

ManSpreader: Professor, please.

ProfessorEisner: I will do what I can to assist but am unsure if I am the most qualified to help you.

ManSpreader: Everyone trusts you, even Felix and Hubert.

GerardWay: I never said that.

Manspreader: You didn’t have to.

ProfessorEisner: Alright. What about Felix?

ManSpreader: How do I get him to like me?

ForeignKing: NOBODY SAY A THING!

ForeignKing: I WANT TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT!

ProfessorEisner: …

ProfessorEisner: Have you tried… stabbing him?

SmolBaby: Oh goddess

ProfessorEisner: Yes?

ManSpreader: Stab him?

ManSpreader: your idea.

ManSpreader: to get the boy to like me

ManSpreader: is to stab him?

ProfessorEisner: Yes.

ManSpreader: …

ManSpreader: Am I stabbing him with my dick or…

ForeignKing: Really dude?

NotFlameEmperor: gross

TinynSwol: Oh, look. Edelgards back.

NotFlameEmperor: I wish I wasn’t

ProfessorEisner: No. Not with your “dick” Sylvain.

ProfessorEisner: With your lance.

ProfessorEisner: And if anyone even thinks about making a joke about it I will personally beat you into the dirt in your next sparring session

NotMyRealName: This is your moment Edelgard.

SmolBaby: You can finally get her to “punch you in the face”

ForeignKing: Is anyone going to remark that teach put dick in quotations?

ManSpreader: No.

ManSpreader: And are you serious professor?

ProfessorEisner: I am always serious.

ProfessorEisner: Although you could probably stab him like that later.

ProfessorEisner: If you both consent, of course.

ManSpreader: NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING ABOUT!

ProfessorEisner: Oh.

ProfessorEisner: But yes. Stab him. Not lethally of course.

ProfessorEisner: That is how I got him to like me

ProfessorEisner: Or at least not openly challenge everything I say.

ProfessorEisner: He challenged me to a fight and I beat him into the dirt.

DorotheasWife: Is that why he was in the infirmary for two weeks a couple of months ago?

ProfessorEisner: Lady Rhea and Professor Manuela both advised me not to confirm nor deny any involvement I may or may not have had in the incident that concluded with the hospitalization of the one known as Felix Hugo Fraldarious.

LesbianChristineDaae: That is… very diplomatic.

LesbianChristineDaae: And is anyone else ruining their panties whenever Professor Eisner casually talks about her strength and abilities?

NotFlameEmperor: definitely

DorotheasWife: yeah

ThirstyLush: yup

ReverseCouger: yeah…

Shamir: It’s getting annoying

StarFire: I is also finding it difficult

SmolBaby: yup

HorseGirl: unfortunately

Sigh: sigh

MomFriend: It can be very… inconvenient

ThunderStruck: It’s almost as bad as watching Rheas hips

NightmareHair: I know I have no right to complain but fear I must admit that I find the state of my underwear after the professors’ casual displays of strength to be less than ideal.

Bernie: ʕ •ₒ• ʔ

Seiros87th: it is a struggle we must all learn to live with I am afraid.

AreYouOkAnnie: I’m not proud of it but yeah…

BabyWantsPower: She makes me question my heterosexuality on a daily basis

ForeignKing: Aren’t you dating Annette?

BabyWantsPower: Mind your own business.

ForeignKing: No.

ForeignKing: And Hapi, get your girl out of the sun.

Sigh: already on it

ProfessorEisner: …

LesbianChristineDaae: oh shit

LesbianChrisitneDaae: Professor, let me explain.

NotMyRealName: did you forget that she was in here?

LesbianChristineDaae: Shut it yuri.

ProfessorEisner: There is no need to Dorothea.

LesbianChristineDaae: there isn’t…?

ProfessorEisner: Of course not.

ProfessorEisner: I am a woman as well and know well the difficulties that come with our sex.

ProfessorEisner: I sympathize with all of you.

ProfessorEisner: Although, I had no idea the problem was so widespread.

ProfessorEisner: And the timing is odd to say the least.

ProfessorEisner: But don’t worry, I will do all that I can. Starting with speaking to Anna about replacing all of your underwear.

NotFlameEmperor: this isn’t happening…

ProfessorEisner: I will also get some herbs that I know can help with the cramping and ease your discomfort. As well as some spare cloths for you to use so as to not ruin your undergarments.

LesbianChristineDaae: …

LesbianChristineDaae: What?

ThirstyLush: Professor Eisner, I am unsure if you understand what they mean but if you would like I can give you… a first-hand demonstration? ;)

NotFlameEmperor: TRY AND I WILL END YOU BOOBY WOMAN!

LesbianChristineDaae: booby woman?

ForeignKing: booby woman.

ProfessorEisner: Is it not your time of the month?

ProessorEisner: Is that not what we were discussing?

LesbianChristineDaae: …

SmolBaby: …

Shamir: …

NotFlameEmperor: YES!

NotFlameEmperor: YES IT WAS!

NotFlameEmperor: And I would be thankful for any assistance you could provide.

ProfessorEisner: Of course, Edelgard. I will get to work at once.

ForeignKing: And…

ForeignKing: she’s gone

NotFlameEmperor: NOBODY SAY A THING OR I WILL CUT YOU TO PIECES AND FEED YOU TO THE WYVERNS!

NotMyRealName: wow. Hostile.

SmolBaby: seriously.

ForeignKing: But basically we established that all the women are horny on main for teach, right?

SmolBaby: pretty much

ForeignKing: cool

ManSpreader: But what about me and felix?

NotMyRealName: You heard the prof. Stab him.

ManSpreader: : (

ThunderStruck: Was that Rhea?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I questioned my life choices as I wrote this


	7. The Black Eagle Dyke Force Gathers

[NotFlameEmperor had created Group Chat: Black Eagle Dyke Force]

[NotFlameEmperor has added LesbianChristineDaae, Starfire, Bernie, MomFriend, Shamir, Thunderstruck, AreYouAOkAnnie, DorotheasWife, ReverseCouger, Sigh, SmolBaby, HorseGirl, and NightmareHair to group chat]

Sigh: I thought this was a joke

DorotheasWife: And most of us aren’t even in the black eagle house

NotFlameEmperor: IRRELEVENT!

NotFlameEmperor: I NEED YOUR HELP!

MomFriend: With professor Eisner?

SmolBaby: Of course its about her. The useless lesbian can’t do anything herself.

NotFlameEmperor: watch it, Hilda

NotFlameEmperor: I am still stronger than you

SmolBaby: you brought me here.

SmolBaby: deal with it

LesbianChristineDaae: Ladies, we are getting off topic.

LesbianChristineDaae: We are here for one thing.

LesbianChristineDaae: To get edie out of her slump

LesbianChristineDaae: and into the professors bed

NotFlameEmperor: YES!!

NotFlameEmperor: THAT!

NotFlameEmperor: THIS!!!

NotFlameEmperor: ALL OF THIS!!!

Shamir: calm down kid. Desperation is not a good look.

NotFlameEmperor: Easy for you to say!

NotFlameEmperor: You saw her boobs!

NotFlameEmperor: YOU SAW THEM!

NotFlameEmperor: THEY’RE BIGGER THAN ME!

Shamir: they’re not that big…

NotFlameEmperor: AND THEN YOU GOT LAID AFTERWORD

NotFlameEmperor: AND NOT JUST NORMAL LAID

NotFlameEmperor: YOU HAD A THREESOME

NotFlameEmperor: WITH THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO MIGHT BE MORE MUSCULAR/THICC THAN THAT LIVING GODDESS ON THE PLANET

Shamir: Oddly enough Rhea could be either

SmolBaby: wait really?

Shamir: oh yeah. Rhea is shredded.

NotFlameEmperor: DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE LAST TIME I GOT LAID IS?!

SmolBaby: probably

MomFriend: apologies, but are we allowed to talk about this?

MomFriend: How old are you, Lady Edelgard?

NotFlameEmperor: 23

AreYouOkAnnie: wow, really?

NotFlameEmperor: yes… this is a college. I’m not a child.

Thunderstruck: despite what your height might suggest

NotFlameEmperor: I WILL END YOU!!

Sigh: wow. Her majesty is violent when she is horny.

SmolBaby: you have no idea

SmolBaby: one time I got caught in a meeting with my brother after she had sent me some nudes and I couldn’t get to our shared room for almost an hour

NotFlameEmperor: DO NOT FINISH THAT STORY

SmolBaby: …

SmolBaby: anyway she ended up lighting the stable on fire and it took a fortnight to get all of the wyverns back

[NotFlameEmperor has removed SmolBaby from Black Eagle Dyke Force]

NotFlameEmperor: adding her was a mistake

HorseGirl: I don’t know…

HorseGirl: don’t you think you were a little… harsh?

NotFlameEmperor: no

HorseGirl: oh…

LesbianChristineDaae: Can we please get back on topic?

LesbianChristineDaae: how are we going to get edie out of her dry spell?

Sigh: and into chuckles.

Shamir: you spend too much time with Alois

Sigh: I haven’t seen him in years but okay

NightmareHair: It is quite simple your majesty!

NotFlameEmperor: it’s not but continue

NightmareHair: all you need to do to win the affections of our dear professor is to show her with a suitably impressive feat of skill, intelligence, and elegance that you are the best candidate for her before proclaiming your love for all to hear!

Sigh: I don’t think that will work, coco

LesbianChristineDaae: I agree with Hapi.

LesbianChristineDaae: the professor is reserved and seems to appreciate her privacy.

LesbianChristineDaae: and she also seems to be oddly… ignorant about matters of the heart.

LesbianChristineDaae: and such a display will likely simply confuse her.

LesbianChristineDaae: She might even conclude that it is simply some strange custom she had never heard of and try to give you a grade for it.

AreYouOkAnnie: you can try sweets.

AreYouOkAnnie: she told me that she is quite fond of them. And she is always eating something.

NotFlameEmperor: it should be me

AreYouOkAnnie: usually sweets.

MomFriend: oh my…

DorotheasWife: Lady Edelgard, could you please tone down the thirst?

DorotheasWife: just a little bit?

LesbianChristineDaae: I agree with my beloved wife.

DorotheasWife: still not married.

Starfire: I would be hoping not.

Starfire: I will be fighting you for her.

Starfire: bare breasted and with knives.

DorotheasWife: that… won’t be necessary

DorotheasWife: you can keep her

Starfire: a wise decision

NotFlameEmperor: STOP GETTING OFF TOPIC!!

NotFlameEmperor: HELP ME!!!!!!

Starfire: you must imagine the professor as your prey

Starfire: but unlike some prey she will not run

Starfire: she is proud and majestic.

Starfire: you must watch and study her. Respect her abilities and make sure to honor her life as you await your chance to pounce.

NotFlameEmperor: POUNCE!!!????

Starfire: yes, pouncing. You must watch and wait for your chance.

Starfire: too early and she will notice you. Too late and she will be gone. You must be quick and decisive when you pounce on the prey.

LesbianChristineDaae: uhh… Petra?

Starfire: yes, dearest one?

LesbianChristineDaae: I think it’s a little too early in the relationship for anyone to be pouncing

Starfire: I see

StarFire: my apologies for the lack of understanding

LesbianChristineDaae: there is no need to apologize.

LesbianChristineDaae: you can pounce on me anytime. ; )

NotFlameEmperor: STOP FLAUNTING YOUR ACTIVE SEX LIVES IN MY FACE!!!

LesbianChristineDaae: I’m sorry edie.

LesbianChristineDaae: but I do believe that Annies idea had some merit.

LesbianChristineDaae: for such a lithe woman the professor does seem to eat quite a bit.

LesbianChristineDaae: perhaps you can make her something? Chocolate perhaps?

NotFlameEmperor: BUT I CAN’T COOK!!!

NotFlameEmperor: LAST TIME I TRIED I BURNED DOWN HALF THE KITCHEN AND BROKE THREE STOVES!

Shamir: please turn off the caps lock

Shamir: it’s annoying

NotFlameEmperor: NO!

Shamir: do you want my help or not?

MomFriend: you might want to listen to her. She has had the most similar life to the professor, after all.

NotFlameEmperor: I do…

Shamir: good.

Shamir: here is what you do.

Shamir: Eisner is a mercenary, lived her entire life on the battlefield. Lived every day knowing she might not see the next ever since she was old enough to understand the concept of mortality.

AreYouOkAnnie: that’s so sad

Shamir: that’s life.

Shamir: but my point is that she won’t understand any of the basic courting customs or rituals that you might know.

Shamir: she never had time for them, and likely doesn’t know they exist.

LesbianChristineDaae: You can’t be suggesting she jump her?

Shamir: of course not. That would trigger the fight or flight response and with how dense she is she’ll likely assume edelgards attacking her and knock her out.

NotFlameEmperor: SO WHAT DO I DO?!

Shamir: if you would shut up I would tell you

NotFlameEmperor: sorry…

Shamir: hmph

Shamir: What you need to do is make your intentions clear and obvious. Spell it out for her if need be.

Shamir: she has had no time for courting or flirting. Most of her experience likely comes from tavern workers and village girls who openly said what they wanted

Shamir: and they got it.

Shamir: by that I mean they got rawed by the same woman you are practically drooling over 24/7

NotFlameEmperor: from both sets of lips

ThunderStruck: didn’t need to know that

Shamir: ANYWAY!

Shamir: invite her to your quarters at night. Wear something alluring but not slutty. Or simply show a little cleavage, that might be enough, when you greet her at the door before inviting her in.

Shamir: a hundred gold says she takes over from there and rocks your world.

Shamir: and then you can finally stop bugging everyone about this.

ReverseCouger: that would be nice

Sigh: I rather enjoy watching her majesterialness make a fool of herself.

Thunderstruck: it can be amusing at times.

Shamir: please. You’re just as much of a disaster bottom as she is, Catherine.

ThunderStruck: I AM NOT!

Shamir: yes, yes you are.

Shamir: or should we go ask your gay awakening?

ThunderStruck: Leave Rhea out of this!

NotFlameEmperor: yes!

NotFlameEmperor: LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS!

Sigh: I agree with the lady knight.

Sigh: ow.

Sigh: It physically pained me to say that

LesbianChristineDaae: I also would prefer ir Lady Rhea was not made aware of this conversation.

LesbianChristineDaae: she also seems to be almost as thirsty for the professor as edie

HorseGirl: is that why you dislike her?

NotFlameEmperor: I can neither confirm nor deny

Shamir: get a grip kid

Shamir: there isn’t a woman in existence who isn’t a slut for byleth

Shamir: she is just that good looking

Shamir: hell, I know a dozen women who thought they were straight until they saw her

Shamir: now they would gladly let themselves be stepped on by her

LesbianChristineDaae: that’s kinky

Shamir: knights and religious zealots are like that

Shamir: it’s all the discipline and self-control

Shamir: it makes them so repressed that when they find an outlet they go all out

Shamir: it doesn’t seem healthy

LesbianChristineDaae: no, it doesn’t.

LesbianChristineDaae: but on a completely unrelated note, are you seeing anyone Mercedes?

ReverseCouger: really? Is one woman not enough for you?

LesbianChristineDaae: there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun ; )

LesbianChristineDaae: and variety is the spice of life.

ReverseCouger: and how does Petra feel about this?

Starfire: fine. I trust her.

LesbianChristineDaae: she knows I just like to tease. I don’t mean anything by it.

MomFriend: is that so?

LesbianChristineDaae: I’m afraid so Mercedes.

LesbianChristineDaae: I hope you didn’t get your hopes up. ; )

NotFlameEmperor: does anyone else have any ideas…

Shamir: jesus Christ kid

AreYouOkAnnie: who?

Shamir: doesn’t matter.

Shamir: I just told you how to get the girl.

Shamir: Woman up and go get yourself laid.

NotFlameEmperor: but… but… but…

NotFlameEmperor: I CAN’T DO THAT!

ThunderStruck: goddess give me strength

Shamir: Dorothea, go speak to Anna. Get her majesty some clothes more befitting her plans.

NotFlameEmperor: WHAT!?

LesbianChristineDaae: Gladly.

Shamir: Annette, Mercedes.

MomFriend: yes?

AreYouOkAnnie: yes?

Shamir: you’re both on hair and makeup. Make her look like a million gold pieces.

MomFriend: ooh, I love make-overs!

AreYouOkAnnie: Me too!

Shamir: Constance and Hapi. You two are on Byleth duty. Keep her from exhausting herself and away from edelgard. If I know her she is going to want to check up on her. Don’t let her.

Sigh: sure thing

NightmareHair: Consider it done. The professor will be so thoroughly dazzled with my displays of magical mastery and prowess that she will forget all other plans she might have had. Staring transfixed for hours as I amaze her as only the heir of the noble house of nuvelle can!

Shamir: sounds great. You do that.

Shamir: Ingrid, you and Marriane go talk to Hilda. So she can speak to Dedue and Ashe. Have them prepare a nice breakfast to be delivered to edelgard quarters in the morning with both coffee and tea. Raid the emo kids stash if need be.

Shamir: Bernedetta, I need you to create the floral arrangement. Nothing too fancy. Just a bouquet and some left over petals to make the room smell nice.

Bernie: EEpp! Yes mam.

Shamir: that leaves Petra and Leonie. You two are on guard duty. Keep the rest of the students from bothering them. And if any professors or staff try to get pass them tell them that if they have a problem to take it up with me.

Starfire: I will be seeing it done

ThunderStruck: Wait, what about me?

Shamir: in my quarters. Now. All this useless lesbianism has made me tense.

ThunderStruck: Yes ma’am. I love it when she gets bossy.

Shamir: told you she was a bottom.

ReverseCouger: Can… can I join?

Shamir: no

ThunderStruck: no

Shamir: now get to work. All of you.

ReverseCouger: : (

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There aren't enough crack fics in existence


	8. The following day

[Private Messaging: Shamir Nevrand]

KnightCaptain: Would you like to tell me why two students won’t let me see my daughter

Shamir: You don’t want to know

KnightCaptain: Probably not but feel I must insist.

Shamir: Jeralt, I like you.

Shamir: trust me when I say this.

Shamir: don’t ask. Whatever you need to say to her can wait until tomorrow.

KnightCaptain: What are you doing?

Shamir: Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?

Shamir: what part of ‘don’t ask’ and ‘you don’t want to know’ do you fail to understand?

KnightCaptain: …

KnightCaptain: this is about the hresvelg girl isn’t it?

Shamir: and yet he continues to ask questions…

KnightCaptain: It is equally amusing and infuriating that you think I should be any less stubborn than you are

Shamir: it would probably help your life expectancy

KnightCaptain: I’m an older than I look. I exceeded that decades ago.

Shamir: whatever you say old man.

KnightCaptain: I’m not that old.

KnightCaptain: and don’t try changing the subject.

KnightCaptain: tell me why I can’t speak to my daughter or I will break down your door, interrupt whatever disgusting act you and Catherine are doing and toss you both in the lake

Shamir: I dare you to try

KnightCaptain: don’t tempt me

Shamir: a hundred gold says I knock you into the dirt

KnightCaptain: tell me where my daughter is or I will feed you your teeth

Shamir: just try it old man

KnightCaptain: for christs sake…

Shamir: oh, you know him too?

KnightCaptain: know who?

Shamir: nobody.

Shamir: Oh, and look out. Alois and Leonie just both received messages from you asking their presence so you can regall them with tales of your exploits.

KnightCaptain: you didn’t.

Shamir: have fun.

[Garreg Mock Group Chat]

ForeignKing: can anyone explain why captain jeralt is fighting with shamir outside the dining hall

ForeignKing: and why are Catherine, alois, and leonie just watching

ForeignKing: I think I even see rhea watching from afar in that creepy way she has

ForeignKing: should we put a stop to this?

ShirtsNotAllowed: nah. I want to see who wins

NotMyRealName: I love a good fight as much as anyone but this has a bit too much risk for collateral damage

NotMyRealName: we even have an entire building dedicated to people beating each other up

NotMyRealName: why did they have to do it where civilians congregate?

Himbo: I don’t think they’re training…

TinynSwol: yeah…

TinynSwol: that doesn’t look like friendly sparring…

TinynSwol: I think claude is right…

Naptime: then you go separate them

TinynSwol: no thanks. I chose life.

Naptime: at least you have enough functioning brain cells to know how stupid that is.

TinynSwol: HEY!

Naptime: you once asked me what kind of animal the pink panther was…

TinynSwol: ANIMALS AREN’T PINK IN REAL LIFE!

Naptime: and once you pulled out several scalding pots from an oven using your bare hands while screaming.

TinynSwol: it burned!

Naptime: there are mits to keep that from happening.

Naptime: or you could have used literally any scrap of cloth

NotMyRealName: yes, yes. We all know Caspars an idiot.

TinynSwol: HEY!

NotMyRealName: lets discuss something actually interesting

ForeignKing: oh?

ForeignKing: you have a topic in mind yuri?

NotMyRealName: I do in fact.

MisoginistRingo: tea or the ideal traits that a noble must embody in the world in order to ensure safety and prosperity for their peasants?

NoMyRealName: no.

NotMyRealName: has anyone else noticed the distinct lack of activity from a specific group today?

ForiegnKing: now that you mention it…

ForeignKing: Edelgard hasn’t shown up to threaten me and dorothea isn’t mocking everyone here.

ForeignKing: even constance isn’t bragging about herself.

ForeignKing: where are all the lovely ladies?

ManSpreader: I would also like to know ; )

SmolBaby: shut it sylvain

TinynSwol: go stab felix

ForeignKing: HILDA!

ForeignKing: where is everyone else?

ForeignKing: I need my entertainment!

SmolBaby: can’t say.

SmolBaby: but stay out of it claude, and you yuri. And Hubert.

SmolBaby: trust me.

ShirtsNotAllowed: why didn’t we ask him to begin with?

ShirtsNotAllowed: Hubert! Where is her majesty.

GerardWay: she is in her quarters.

GerardWay: Mercedes and Annette showed up and promptly kicked me out.

IamFerdinandVonAiger: dorothea even threatened him.

IamFerdinandVonAiger: told him to not bother her until tomorrow morning

Himbo: why do you know that?

GerardWay: …

IamFerdinandVonAiger: …

IamFerdnandVonAiger: Raphael, Flayn was looking for you. Something about shouting practice?

Himbo: Oh right!

Himbo: I almost forgot!

Himbo: thanks Ferdinand!

IamFerdinandVonAiger: of course Raphael. It was my pleasure.

ForeignKing: you dodged the question.

IamFerdinandVonAiger: I did no such thing. I merely reminded the questioner about a much more pressing engagement he had elsewhere.

NotMyRealName: sure you did.

GerardWay: so what is your real name, Yuri?

NotMyRealName: you mean you don’t already know?

NotMyRealName: perhaps her majesties loyal servant isn’t as capable and frightening as I had been lead to believe.

GerardWay: Think what you will, it matters little to me.

NotMyRealName: sure it doesn’t.

NotMyRealName: I’m neither a midget or ginger.

ForeignKing: edelgard isn’t THAT short

ShirtsNotAllowed: you all look the same to me so…

NotMyRealName: and you aren’t that tall

ShirtsNotAllowed: keep telling yourself that

AlmostFeral: so we know where edelgard, Mercedes, and Annette are.

AlmostFeral: what about the rest of the girls?

AlmostFeral: I haven’t seen any of them today.

ManSpreader: neither have I : (

AlmostFeral: yes, but unlike you my concern is for their well being.

AlmostFeral: not so I can be a creep by flirting with all of them despite repeated rejections.

AlmostFeral: Sylvain…

ManSpreader: Hey!

ManSpreader: I care about their health and well being too!

NotMyRealName: sure you do

ManSpreader: HEY!

AlmostFeral: it’s the truth sylvain.

AlmostFeral: I have known you my entire life and consider you one of my best friends.

AlmostFeral: but you are insufferable and will continue to be so for the next couple of years until you have conversations in which your character is flushed out and your more scumbaggy traits are explained, if not justified. Then you will show yourself to be a tortured soul rather than the arrogant womanizing asshole you pretend to be. But until those conversations take place your character is irredeemable and we will treat you as the misogynistic asshole you act like.

ManSpreader: well damn.

ForeignKing: that was…

ForeignKing: oddly specific…

ShirtsNotAllowed: I didn’t even know he knew the word asshole

NotMyRealName: how stupid do you think noodle hair is?

ShirtsNotAllowed: about as dumb as Caspar

AlmostFeral: that hurts balthus.

AlmostFeral: that really, truly hurts.

TimeDeDuel: shall I dispose of him your grace?

AlmostFeral: No, Dedue. That won’t be necessary.

ProfessorEisner: Balthus, go to the training arena. You are going to spar with Dedue and Dimitri one after the other.

ShirtsNotAllowed: WHA-….

ShirtsNotAllowed: yeah, that’s fair

AlmostFeral; Professor, that isn’t necessary.

ForeignKing: can she even do that?

ForeignKing: she isn’t your professor.

ProfessorEisner: I am the head of the black eagle house but I treat and teach all of the students here equally.

ProfessorEisner: This school wouldn’t amount to much if every class only had one teacher.

ProfessorEisner: Manuela and Hanneman are both magic based and lacking in physical skills

ProfessorEiser: if you didn’t have classed with everyone else you all would be squishy mages who couldn’t take a hit.

ProfessorEisner: or did you forget the lecture I gave on advanced archery techniques Mr. Reigan?

ForeignKing: I could never forget anything you do teach ; )

ProfessorEisner: I would hope not. And next time you question my decisions I will have you doing strength training with Dimitri.

ForeignKing: yes ma’am.

AlmostFeral: careful Claude, you know how edelgard can get.

ProfessorEisner: speaking of edelgard, had anyone seen her?

ProfessorEisner: I wanted to check up on her but have been unable to find her.

Sigh: Chuckles, didn’t anyone tell you its rude to text while having tea with people.

NightmareHair: Truly! It is most unbecoming of someone of your station to ignore your students when they invite you to tea!

ProfessorEisner: You are right. My apologies. Balthus, your punishment still stands. Now if you excuse me

Sigh: she’s gone. Leave chuckles alone

ForeignKing: whoa whoa whoa

NotMyRealName: why are you threatening us?

NotMyRealName: you wouldn’t happen to be trying to keep the professor to yourself, would you Hapi?

NotMyRealName: You and Constance wouldn’t be trying anything with the professor would you.

Sigh: that is none of your business.

NotMyRealName: just saying… edelgard can be…

NotMyRealName: territorial

Sigh: I can handle myself.

ForeignKing: wait, are you trying to seduce teach?

Sigh: still none of your business

SmolBaby: lets be honest

SmolBaby: 95% of the population is trying to seduce teach

SmolBaby: and the other 5% are Lindhardt, Alois, Jeralt, Caspar, Ignantz, Raphael, and Cyril.

ForeignKing: so that includes you?

SmolBaby: definitely.

ForeignKing: good luck

ForeignKing: you have A LOT of competition

Sigh: Coco and I definitely wouldn’t mind sharing a night or several with chuckles

SmolBaby: We should just change the chat to ‘byleths harem’

ForeignKing: not inaccurate

NotMyRealName: I highly doubt anyone would complain

GerardWay: Jeralt, lady edelgard, and myself would for starters

SmolBaby: I don’t know…

SmolBaby: edelgard had no problem sharing our bed with others in the past

ForeignKing: NO WAY!

AlmostFeral: please tell me you are joking.

SmolBaby: in fact when we were together she was far more dominant and assertive

ForeignKing: she was dating a pillow princess, she kinda had to be

SmolBaby: only if she wanted an active sex life

NotMyRealName: I believe she has made it abundantly clear that she does.

Sigh: either way chuckles and most of the women here will be busy all day

Sigh: you need something wait until tomorrow

SmolBaby: wait, so is the harem real?

ForeignKing: not yet…

NotMyRealName: don’t get your hopes up claude

NotMyRealName: she wouldn’t be interested in you

SmolBaby: same for you Dimitri, and Sylvain

ForgeignKing: I can dream

AlmostFeral: I-

AlmostFeral: I assure you that that was never my intention

AlmostFeral: I had no intentions of anything of the sort

ForeignKing: sure you didn’t

ForeignKing: ; )

ShirtsNotAllowed: so who won the fight?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Byleth is getting a harem. Maybe. I don't know. I am making this up as I go along.


	9. Oops

Leonies’daddy’: would anyone like to explain why there is a hole where a set of double doors in the cafeteria used to be?

Smolbaby: my first guess would be someone opened the doors

Leonies’Daddy’: don’t get cute with me kid

SmolBaby: impossible.

SmolBaby: I am literally always cute

SmolBaby: nonstop

SmolBaby: couldn’t turn it off if I wanted to

ShirtsNotAllowed: its true

ShirtsNotAllowed: just ask marriane

ShirtsNotAllowed: she can’t look at hilda without blushing up a storm

PinkPowerRanger: is that right?

TinynSwol: wait… who are you?

TinynSwol: and what is a power ranger?

SmolBaby: oh shit

Leonies’Daddy’: I neither know nor care who or what that is.

Leonies’Daddy’: someone tell me why there is a giant hole in the side of the cafeteria?

PinkPowerRanger: If I knew the answer to your inquiry I would inform you Captain Jeralt

Leonies’Daddy’: thank you person I am half certain shouldn’t be here and that I should be doing something about

NotMyRealName: it was claude

Leonies’Daddy’: of course it was

ForeignKing: IT WASN’T ME!

ForeignKing: I did nothing!

ForeignKing: I was with Hilda the entire night!

SmolBaby: yup.

SmolBaby: spent the entire night trying find a way to convince Lorenz his horse was an actual noble from an unknown kingdom from across the sea run and maintained entirely by horses

DorotheasWife: that’s absurd

TinynSwol: did you pull it off?

NotMyRealName: they’re lying.

NotMyRealName: Hilda was in the stables trying to talk to the same horse Marianne talks to

NotMyRealName: alone I might add

SmolBaby: how do you know that?!

ForeignKing: why are you doing this?!

NotMyRealName: im bored and this amuses me

SmolBaby: my suffering and humiliation amuses you?!

NotMyRealName: at the moment

SmolBaby: grrrrr….

ForeignKing: did hilda just growl?

SmolBaby: Balthie!

SmolBaby: I require your assistance!

ShirtsNotAllowed: nuh uh

ShirtsNotAllowed: I am not getting involved because you are pining for the chronically depressed girl

ShirtsNotAllowed: one of them at least

ShirtsNotAllowed: and besides I already owe yuri like a thousand gold…

SmolBaby: I am worth more than that.

PinkPowerRanger: Now now Hilda. You got yourself into this mess. You can get yourself out.

SmolBaby: NOBODY ASKED YOU HOLST!!

[PinkPowerRanger has been removed from Garreg Mach Group Chat]

NotMyRealName: I guess it was hilda

SmolBaby: I didn’t do that

SmolBaby: but I am not complaining

Leonies’Daddy’: Claude. Explain to me why there is a hole in the side of the cafeteria.

ForeignKing: IT WASN’T ME!!

Leonies’Daddy’: lie to me again and I will send my daughter after you.

ForeignKing: being hunted by teach doesn’t sound half bad…

Leonies’Daddy’: finish that train of thought and I will tell her to use lethal force.

ForeignKing: you wouldn’t dare

Leonies’Daddy’: try me.

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: I tried to scare lysithea and she threw a fireball that destroyed the wall

ForeignKing: it was the middle of the night

ForeignKing: im pretty sure it echoed down the mountain

ForeignKing: how did nobody hear it?

Leonies’Daddy’: Claude. See me in my office now.

ForeignKing: What about lysithea?!

BabyWantsPower: HE STARTLED ME!

BabyWantsPower: IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

Leonies’Daddy’: I concur.

Leonies’Daddy’: Claude.

Leonies’Daddy’: MY OFFICE

Leonies’Daddy’: NOW!

ForeignKing: …

ForeignKing: yes sir…

Leonies’Daddy’: enjoy the rest of your day lysithea.

Leonies’Daddy’: and please try to be more careful in the future

Leonies’Daddy’: especially around immature fools

BabyWantsPower: Yes, Captain Jeralt.

NotMyRealName: has anyone seen edlegard?

Himbo: Nope

Himbo: why, ya need her for something

NotMyRealName: Nothing in particular

NotMyRealName: but does anyone else find it curious that professor byleth was being isolated at the same time that her majesty was

NotMyRealName: not even mr. hot topic could get passed those girls

NotMyRealName: and now they are both mysteriously absent

NotMyRealName: I would say it’s a coincidence but…

Himbo: but what?

NotMyRealName: I’m not stupid

TinynSwol: wat r you saying?

TinynSwol: you think something happened to them?

TinynSwol: Are they alright?!

TinynSwol: I’ll fight anyone who hurt them!

TinynSwol: YURII!!!!!

TinynSwol: where have you been for the past 24 hours?!

LesianChristineDaae: Calm your tits caspar.

LesbianChristineDaae: Everyone is fine.

LesbianChristineDaae: Mostly.

MomFriend: Oh no. Did something happen?

LesbianChristineDaae: you could say that.

NotMyRealName: the suspense is killing me

LesbianChristineDaae: and for that you don’t get to know.

ShirtsNotAllowed: see what you did yuri?

NotMyRealName: I’ll find out eventually regardless.

LesbianChristineDaae: I wasn’t going to tell you anyway.

LesbianChristineDaae: since it is none of your business. Nor mine to tell.

LesbianChristineDaae: But everyone is fine. Professor Byleth simply had things to discuss with her father and will likely be unavailable for the rest of the day.

TinynSwol: and edelgard?

LesbianChristineDaae: In her room. She wishes to not be disturbed.

ShirtsNotAllowed: but why did you all disappear yesterday?

Himbo: YEAH!

Himbo: I want to know too!

LesbianchristineDaae: None of your concern.

LesbianChristineDaae: now if you will excuse me I have things to do today.

ShirtsNotAlloed: this isn’t over

LesbianChristineDaae: Hilda. Please restrain the oaf.

LesbianchristineDaae: I will… arrange for your kitchen duty to be done by someone else if you do.

SmolBaby: DONE!

SmolBaby: OH BALTHIE

SmolBaby: Holst is looking for you

ShirtsNotAllowed: shit

[Black Eagle Dyke Force]

DorotheasWife: What happened?

MomFriend: I would also like to know?

Shamir: yes. Why is her majesty sulking in her bedroom like a pining preteen?

LesbianChristineDaae: She isn’t pining at the moment unfortunately.

LesbianChristineDaae: that would be preferable.

LesbianChristineDaae: Poor edie is hiding out of embarrassment over the… setbacks that occurred last night.

ThunderStruck: It can’t be that bad.

Shamir: the kid is just being dramatic like usual, I’m sure.

LesbianChristineDaae: Well…

LesbianChristineDaae: Let’s just say that when she opened the door to great the professor she wasn’t alone.

LesbianChristineDaae: And that captain Jeralt might have seen far more of edie than he ever wanted to

AreYouOkAnnie: oh dear…

Shamir: She flashed the old man and the prof?

LesbianChristineDaae: not exactly.

LesbianChristineDaae: but they both saw enough

LesbianChristiineDaae: suffice to say that the… outfit I had gotten for edie showed more than it hid

StarFire: That is most unfortunate

Shamir: what happened after that?

LesbianChristineDaae: Edie slammed the door in their faces before barricading herself in her room.

ThunderStruck: That explains why Jeralt had been drinking all day.

ThunderStruck: more than usual anyway

Shamir: but if jeralt is drinking himself into a coma where’s his kid?

LesbianChristineDaae: I told everyone that professor Eisner is meeting with her father for the day

Shamir: and what’s the truth?

LesbianChristineDaae: I have no idea where she is

LesbianChristineDaae: She stood outside the door for almost ten minutes after edie slammed it in her face doing nothing

LesbianChristineDaae: she didn’t even blink

LesbianChristineDaae: and then she wandered off

LesbianChristineDaae: nobody has seen her since

Shamir: well shit

ThunderStruck: any chance she broke into the room and is ravishing the princess as we speak?

Bernie: I…

LesbianChristineDaae: Yes, Bernie?

Bernie: I…

Bernie: I…

Bernie: …

LesbianChristineDaae: Go on.

Bernie: I…

ThunderStruck: FOR FUCKS SAKE!

ThunderStruck: SPILL IT ALREADY!

Bernie: EEP!

Bernie: I’m pretty sure I would have heard them!

Bernie: Lady Edelgards room is right above mine

Bernie: So I would have heard… noises and things

LesbianChristineDaae: …

LesbianChristineDaae: a fair point…

LesbianChristineDaae: edie does seem like a screamer

Shamir: so is Catherine

ThunderStruck: hey!

Shamir: so we have a mortified princess, a drunk captain of the guard, and a missing professor?

Starfire: that does seem to being correct

Shamir: shit.

Shamir: how long do you think it will take to fix this?

MomFriend: Hopefully less than two months this time

AreYouOKAnnie: what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depressions a bitch. I go from four chapters in four days to one in two months. Hopefully the next one won't take that long.


	10. Did this while sick. Think of that what you will.

NotFlameEmperor: How…

NotFlameEmperor: how could you…

NotFlameEmperor: after everything we went through together…

NotFlameEmperor: you…

NotFlameEmperor: you still…

NotFlameEmperor: how could you…

LesbianChristineDaae: Edie! Its not what you think!

NotFlameEmperor: You can’t talk your way out of this!

NotFlameEmperor: I know what I saw!

NotFlameEmperor: I know what I heard!

TinynSwol: is this a divorce I smell…

MomFriend: Oh dear, I do hope not.

SmolBaby: it seems that our resident idol and queen are breaking up.

SmolBaby: how tragic.

SmolBaby: someone should tell teach.

SmolBaby: the rebound sex would be amazing.

NotFlameEmperor: NOBODY WILL BE TELLING THE PROFESSOR ANYTHING!!!

NotFlameEmperor: ANYONE WHO DOES WILL BE GETTING MY AXE AFTER DOROTHEA!!

NotFlameEmperor: HUBERT!!

NotFlameEmperor: K WORD THIS CLOWN!

GerardWay: It’s on sight your majesty.

LesbianChristineDaae: Hubie, go make out with your boyfriend before I drop a meteor on your emo ass

GerardWay: He’s not my boyfriend…

LesbianChristineDaae: nobody believes you.

LesbianChristineDaae: and edie, if you would just let me explain…

NotFlameEmperor: NO!!!!

NotFlameEmperor: YOU GET NO DEFENCE!!

NotFlameEmperor: NOT AFTER WHAT YOU DID!

NotFlameEmperor: THE ONLY THING YOU WILL GET IS MY AXE!!

ForeignKing: shouldn’t it be scissors?

NotFlameEmperor: WHAT?!

ForeignKing: what? Did nobody else pick up on the weird sexual tension whenever those two interacted?

SmolBaby: no. no we did not.

LesbianChristineDaae: because it doesn’t exist.

NotFlameEmperor: QUIET!!!

NotFlameEmperor: YOU DON’T GET TO TALK!!!

Sigh: what did she do?

NotMyRealName: good question.

ForeignKing: balthus, hundred gold says it had something to do with teach.

ShirtsNotAllowed: Done.

NotMyRealName: that is easily the worst wager you have ever made.

NotMyRealName: it’s edelgard freaking out. Of course it has to do with professor Eisner.

ShirtsNotAllowed: shit.

ShirtsNotAllowed: any chance I can take back that bet claude?

ForeignKing: nope.

ShirtsNotAllowed: well shit

Sigh: you deserve this.

NotMyRealName: you really do

ForeignKing: also @PetraMacneary edelgard is trying to kill your wife

ForeignKing: also does anyone else think her last name should be anything other than Macneary?

ForeignKing: like literally anything else?

ForeignKing: why the hell is she Scottish?

TinynSwol: the hell is a Scottish?

NotMyRealName: i…

NotMyRealName: I have no idea…

SmolBaby: you haven’t been trying any of Rheas ‘fancy’ plants have you claude

Sigh: drugs.

Sigh: she means drugs.

NotMyRealName: thank you for clarifying that hapi

ForeignKing: no, I have not.

ForeignKing: especially since hapi took all of them

Sigh: hell yeah I did

Sigh: I might hate the lady but damn if her pot isn’t amazing

SmolBaby: is that a euphamisim for her breasts?

TinynSwol: or her ass?

Sigh: neither

Sigh: although those are admittedly very nice too

NotMyRealName: and how does constance feel about this?

Sigh: fine.

Sigh: she giggling at her hair while gorging herself on pastries and dried fruits

Sigh: sigh…

Sigh: she’s adorable

MomFriend: Ah, that’s adorable.

MomFriend: I’m so happy for you two.

AreYouOKAnnie: agreed that so sweet…

NotMyRealName: That’s how you know she’s stoned

ShirtsNotAllowed: seriously.

ShirtsNotAllowed: the nicest thing she ever said to me was that I wasn’t quite as dumb as she thought I was

ForeignKing: in all fairness you are pretty dumb

Starfire: who is going to be doing the scissors with my wife?

Starfire: also what is doing the scissors? And who is my wife?

SmolBaby: I think I am going to pop a lung laughing at this

LesbianChristineDaae: they are talking about me Petra.

LesbianChristiineDaae: and as for who is going to be scissoring with me the answer is you.

LesbianChristineDaae: I’ll show you what that is later ; )

Starfire: I have excitement

NotFlameEmperor: LIKE HELL SHE WILL!!!

NotFlameEmperor: SHE IS NEVER GETTING LAID AGAIN!!

NotFlameEmperor: THE ONLY LAID SHE IS GETTING IT LAID TO REST!!!

ForeignKing: wow…

ForeignKing: furious edie is really really…

ForeignKing: lame

NotFlameEmperor: EAT IT CLAUDE!!!

NotFlameEmperor: I WILL SHOVE MY AXE DOWN YOUR THROAT AND OUT YOUR ASS!!!

ForeignKing: touchy…

ForeignKing: the hell did dorothea do to you?

ForeignKing: also Ingrid, you might become a widow soon

DorotheasWife: still not married

ManSpreader: not yet ; )

DorotheasWife: flirt with me again and I will feed you my lance

SmolBaby: kinky

NotMyRealName: I always knew Sylvain liked getting pegged

ManSpreader: What?!

ShirtsNotAllowed: hey, no worries

ShirtsNotAllowed: we don’t kinkshame here

MisoginistRingo: I like feet

ForeignKing: …

NotMyRealName: …

DorotheasWife: …

SmolBaby: …

SmolBaby: we kinkshame 1 person here

[MisoginistRingo had been kicked]

ForeignKing: how does he keep getting back in here

Smolbaby: we need to find a way to get rid of him

SmolBaby: @FelixHugoFraldarius

SmolBaby: can we pay you to go stab Lorenz

ClownBoi: why?

ForeignKing: he’s awful and we hate him

ClownBoi: …

Clownboi: I’m busy. Go have him fight the boar, he is always up for a spar

ManSpreader: Felix!

ManSpreader: Want to grab something to eat?

ClownBoi: what part of busy did you fail to understand.

ClownBoi: If anyone needs me I will not be available

[ClowBoi has left chat]

ShirtsNotAllowed: Damn, that was painful to watch

ForiegnKing: he swings and he misses

Shamir: even I feel bad after that kid

SmolBaby: have you been here the whole time?

Shamir: yep.

Shamir: Catherines out cold and the chaos you lot create is amusing

Shamir: so why are you trying to kill the pop star kid?

NotFlameEmperor: …

NotFlameEmperor: …

NotFlameEmperor: …

Shamir: well?

Shamir: I’m waiting…

NotMyRealName: I think we found the one person not professor Eisner who could render edelgard speechless.

Shamir: god kid.

Shamir: your such a useless bottom.

Shamir: just spit it out already

NotFlameEmperor: DOROTHEA SHOVED HER FACE IN PROFESSOR EISNERS CLEAVAGE!!

SmolBaby: wow

Naptime: that was… unexpected

Starfire: is this true dorothea?

LesbianChristineDaae: no, of course not.

NotFlameEmperor: YOU WERE DROOLING

NotFlameEmperor: AND YOU MOANED

NotFlameEmperor: AND NOT A LITTLE MOAN

NotFlameEmperor: FULL ON HENTAI MOAN

NotFlameEmperor: I HEARD IT ACROSS THE ROOM!

LesbianChristineDaae: well…

LesbianChristineDaae: I was a bit… vocal.

LesbianChristineDaae: and I might have… salivated a bit.

LesbianChristineDaae: But I did not shove my face into professor eisners breasts!!

LesbianChristineDaae: the professor and I were simply having a discussion when she remarked how she didn’t have a heartbeat.

MomFriend: that doesn’t sound healthy…

Sigh: I always new chatterbox was weird but that joke is just… bad

AreYouOKAnnie: is she okay?

AlmostFeral: I’m sure it was nothing more than a simple joke. The professor has been known to have some… quirks. An unexpected sense of humor is not out of the question.

LesbianChristineDaae: THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!

LesbianChristineDaae: I told her that I didn’t buy it. That I wasn’t that naïve.

LesbianChristineDaae: and in response she grabbed my head and pressed it against her chest

LesbianChristineDaae: which is why my head was where it was.

LesbianChristineDaae: and as for the rest, well…

LesbianChristineDaae: who wouldn’t be drooling and moaning like a pornstar when pressed against that rack?

Shamir: that’s a fair argument.

Shamir: hell. I would bottom for her.

Sigh: same

LesbianChristineDaae: same

DorotheasWife: same

ThirstyLush: SAME!!

RevereCouger: same

Seiros87th: same

HorseGirl: same

SmolBaby: same

Starfire: same…

NotMyRealName: yes yes. We’ve already established that all the ladies are thirsty for the professor.

NotFlameEmperor: STOP TALKING ABOUT EVERYONE WANTING TO SLEEP WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!

LesbianChristineDaae: yes, lets.

LesbianchristineDaae: and also she really didn’t have a hearbeat.

Shamir: wait, seriously?

LesbianChristineDaae: yup. It was… odd to say the least.

Seiros87th: REALLY?! WHAT A SURPRISING REVALATION! WHAT COULD WE POSSIBLY DO WITH THIS NEWS THAT I AM JUST NOW LEARNING FOR THE FIRST TIME RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT?!

NotFlameEmperor: she has no heartbeat…

Shamir: I wouldn’t worry about too much kid.

Shamir: she seems to be just fine as is

Shamir: and trust me when I say that she still has boobs, I know how much you like those.

LesbianChristineDaae: Please. Who doesn’t like boobs?

ProfessorEisner: nobody. Literally nobody.

ProfessorEisner: Everyone loves boobs.

NotFlameEmperor: PROFESSOR EISNER!

ProfessorEisner: Edelgard.

NotFlameEmperor: PROFESSOR EISNER!

NotFlameEmperor: IS THAT TRUE?

NotFlameEmperor: you don’t have a heartbeat?

NotFlameEmperor: and you pulled Dorotheas face to your chest?

ProfessorEisner: Yes, to both.

ProfessorEisner: If you would like I could prove it to you as well.

NotFlameEmperor: YES!!!

NotFLameEmperor: YES!!!

NotFlameEmperor: A MILLION TIMES YES!!!

ProfessorEisner: Alright. I will be by your quarters shortly.

NotFLameEmperor: YES!!

ForeignKing: edelgards about to get herself a faceful of boobs

ForeignKing: good for her

Shamir: agreed.

Shamir: also byleth, where the hell have you been?

Thunderstruck: Was that Rhea?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only hope that i am as funny as i think i am.


	11. What is this

ProfessorEisner: Edelgard.

ProfessorEisner: Want to smash?

SmolBaby: noafneqpfnqpfdncqwnfpcprngvpewMFP3IQ2HRIF03IP2FMkpiGhi4Pwgfmwepihgip

TinynSwol: Wat?!

LesbianChristineDaae: oh dear.

ShirtsNotAllowed: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NotMyRealName: and the show begins

SmolBaby: I can hardly wait

NapTime: says the bottom

SmolBaby: ExcuSE You?!

SmolBaby: I AM A TOP!

ShirtsNotAllowed: you definitely are not

ShirtsNotAllowed: the only person here lazier than you is Lindhardt

NapTime: tru

SmolBaby: that’s only with things I don’t want to do or that someone else would gladly do for me

SmolBaby: I am a TOP!

NotMyRealName: keysmashing is bottom behavior

SmolBaby: I-

SmolBaby: touche

TinynSwol: Can We Get Back On topic?

TinynSwol: Namely the prof asking edelgard to smash?

NotMyRealName: in a group chat no less.

MomFriend: Professor…

MomFreind: while I am happy for you was it really necessary to ask here of all places?

ProfessorEisner: Did I do something wrong?

ProfessorEisner: I apologize if so.

Starfire: I also would like to be knowing.

Starfire: What is the meaning of ‘smash’

Starfire: is that not the thing the cooks do with the tiny hammers and pestles?

Starfire: why would the professor asking lady edelgard to help her cook be inappropriate?

Starfire: I have much I am not understanding

LesbianChristineDaae: I do not think the professor was asking edie to help with cooking.

ProfessorEisner: I was not.

LesbianChristineDaae: Professor please.

ProfessorEisner: I’m afraid I do not understand.

StarFire: I too do not be having understanding.

LesbianChristineDaae: I’ll…

LesbinaChristineDaae: I’ll explain later.

NotMyRealName: has anyone seen edelgard?

ManSpreader: I would love to see the look on her face when she sees that text

BabyWantsPower: she already has

BabyWantsPower: we were in the library

BabyWantsPower: she hasn’t moved since

BabyWantsPower: she hasn’t even blinked

BabyWantsPower: or inhaled I think

BabyWantsPower: I’m starting to worry about her

NapTime: ten minutes without breathing or blinking?

NapTime: I would think that that is cause for worry

NapTime: Hubert, your master seems to be in need of assistance

Manspreader: WHOA WHOA WHOA

Manspreader: What kind of kinky shit is this?!

NotMyRealName: he would be the one to ask that

ManSpreader: YES I WOULD!

ManSpreader: AWNSER THE QUESTION!

NapTime: *Yawn*

NapTime: it was nothing you were thinking of you disgusting deviant

NapTime: I was simply remarking that since edlegard seems unwell her pet should go help her.

NapTime: none of the horrible things that undoubtedly crossed your mind you cretin

ManSpreader: wow

ManSpreader: I don’t think I deserved that

LesbianChristineDaae: you did

ManSpreader: : (

BabyWantsPower: Edelgard is still frozen

BabyWantsPower: I have no idea what I should be doing

BabyWantsPower: SOMEONE HELP PLEASE!!!!

NotMyRealName: is anyone else worried that Hubert hasn’t shown up yet

ProfessorEisner: @ManuelaCasagranda

ProfessorEisner: Edelgard is in the library and seems to be in need of medical attention. Please go see to her.

ThirstyLush: of course professor.

ThirstLush: anything for you. ; )

Shamir: really?

Shamir: flirting with the professor so soon?

ThirstyLush: yes. and?

Thunderstruck: We just thought you would wait at least a day.

ProfessorEisner: she was not flirting with me.

ProfessorEisner: She was simply being courteous to a coworker.

Shamir: sure she was

Thunderstruck: whatever you say professor

ThirstyLush: you two are reading too much into things

ThirstyLush: the professor and I are just friends.

ThirstyLush: right, professor? ; )

ProfessorEisner: of course professor Manuela.

ThirstyLush: Also why doesn’t anyone fawn over my breasts?!

ThirstyLush: mine are just as big as Eisners!

ThirstyLush: Why does everyone obsess over hers and not mine?!

ThirstyLush: I EVEN SHOW OFF MORE OF THEM!

ThirstyLush: MY FIRST CUTSCENE EVEN GAVE ME UNNECCESSARY JIGGLE PHYSICS!!!

TinynSwol: what does that even mean?

ThirstyLush: WHY ISN’T ANYONE DROOLING OVER MY BREASTS?

Shamir: does last night not count?

Thunderstruck: it does as far as I am concerned

LesbianChristineDaae: Wait.

LesbianChristineDaae: Manuela too?

LesbianChristineDaae: how many women are you two going to sleep with?

Shamir: a lot

SmolBaby: slut

Shamir: yup

Thunderstruck: you’re just jealous

ReverseCouger: I definitely am

ShirtsNotAllowed: is there anyone you aren’t thirsty for kid?

ReverseCouger: I am not that much younger than you

ReverseCouger: and hanneman

ReverseCouger: he does absolutely nothing for me

Shamir: same

Sigh: you are already sleeping with some of the hottest women in existence. Anything else would be boring by comparison. I would be surprised if he wasn’t bland to you

NotMyRealName: how many people here have you slept with anyway?

Shamir: that’s rude.

Shamir: even for you.

NotMyRealName: all we seem to talk about is sex. You knew what to expect when you looked at the chat

Shamir: true. But I am not telling you anything.

Sigh: guess you’ll have to get your gossip elsewhere

ProfessorEisner: if it makes you feel better professor Manuela I think your boobs are amazing

ThirstyLush: WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!?

ThirstyLush: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!?!?!?

ProfessorEisner: I did not wish to be rude.

ProfessorEisner: however since you seemed so upset about it I felt it was appropriate for me to admit in the hopes of making you feel better.

ProfessorEisner: did it work?

ThirstyLush: oh professor you have no idea

ThirstyLush: why don’t you come up to my room and we can…

ThirtsyLush: continue this conversation in private.

ThirstyLush: I can even give you a closer look if you would like ; )

BabyWantsPower: I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CHECKING ON EDELGARD?!

ThirstyLush: oh, I am sure she will be fine for another hour of four

ThirstyLush: the professor and I will get right on helping her AFTER we have some nice, relaxing, HOT, tea.

ProfessorEisner: I appreciate the offer professor Manuela but I am afraid I am not in the mood for tea.

Shamir: how is this woman a feared mercenary?

ThirstyLush: oh that is okay professor

ThirstyLush: we can have coffee instead. Maybe some alcohol? I even have some of that mulled wine you are so fond of

ProfessorEisner: oh that sounds amazing.

LesbianChristineDaae: MANUELA!!!!

LesbianChristineDaae: GO HELP EDIE!

ThirstyLush: ah…

ThirstyLush: we were just getting to the fun part

DIlf: Professor Manuela, a student requires immediate medical attention.

Dilf: go help her.

Leonies’Daddy’: stop trying to seduce my daughter

ThirstyLush: oh Jeralt. You don’t need to be jealous.

ThirstyLush: I can make plenty of time for you too ; )

ThirstyLush: and you as well Seteth

ThirstyLush: what say the three of us…

ThirstyLush: go out for drinks later tonight

Leonies’Daddy’: no

Dilf: no

Sigh: I wonder who the bigger slut is

Sigh: shamir or manuella

Shamir: me

Shamir: I actually get laid.

Shamir: she gets rejected

ThirstyLush: : (

ShirtsNotAllowed: didn’t you just admit to sleeping with her?

Shamir: yeah.

Shamir: and I was the first lay she had gotten in who knows how long where as I get my pussy ate nearly every day

Shamir: sometimes multiple times a day

MomFriend: oh my.

SmolBaby: that is filthy

Shamir: you’re all just jealous

ProfessorEisner: I know I am

Leonies’Daddy’: really?

Leonies’Daddy’: you have to say that while I’m here?

Leonies’Daddy’: these are the sorts of things I don’t need to hear from my daughter

ProfessorEisner: oh well

Leonies’Daddy’: ugh

Leonies’Daddy’: I have no idea how I have put up with you for so long

ProfessorEisner: *shrugs*

Leonies’Daddy’: yeah yeah. Love you too kid

ProfessorEisner: :)

BabyWantsPower: is anyone going to check on edlegard?

NotMyRealName: does these mean teach and edie aren’t going to smash

Starfire: I still be wishing to know what that means

Shamir: Catherine, get over here. Time for me to get this pussy ate.

ProfessorEisner: have fun.

Leonies’Daddy’: for fucks sake

AreYouOKAnnie: I MADE COOKIES!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had no idea how to end this, is that obvious. Also let me know if I am actually fun or just delusional. I genuinely cannot tell. 
> 
> Either way I hope you enjoy the filth/crack that I write


End file.
